Free (you)s for lost dudes

Had a girlfriend who i really liked
>inb4 normi

She was shy, long black hair, and she was cute.

Problem is we had an argument, she believes I'm toxic, she browses reddit, and she was pretty shocked when she found out i use this place as it feels like a proper home, i won't quit this place, i love it ive been grown with it, been here for so long cant even imagine how i would be without it. I wont obey to her. Decided to not even bother. The more i ignored the more angry she got.

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>How does it make you feel to know that? Do you wish it was different?
Well, my life is already awful since I'm disabled, so it doesn't exactly help my outlook.
I guess knowing that I'd be recycled and became something else would be some solace, but this life is all I know; and the universe is far older than I remember.

My BF left me last week
I want to die
Also I'm pretty drunk

Man if i saw pic related like that irl id be jizzing my pants for hours. This is beyond divine
Also here for you gibs

>nothing is fun to me at the moment so really I'm just wasting time until I can go to bed
I'm hearing that you're feeling pretty numb, maybe you feel like you might have anhedonia?
>I dont have anything I look forward to and I just wish I didnt have to do day after day like this plus I feel I'm just getting worse and worse started cutting again etc.
So would you feel better if you knew you were going somewhere? Do you think knowing that it's all for something would help you accept discomfort or suffering on the way? How do you feel when you cut, if you don't mind me asking?

>I'm just so drained of energy all the time
>I can never being myself to do anything useful with myself
It sounds like you have a lot you want to do user. I'm sorry to hear that aligning your energy with your intentions is so difficult, I feel the same way. What would you get done first if you had a lot of energy? What would feel great to get done?

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>why do you keep trying
i have a tranny robot bf who moved to live with me, i dont want to make my parents newfound efforts in vain, and what if there's a higher power. i prayed and some things started to work out but it couldve been coincidence

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I don't know, it feels like there are a lot of things I'd want to do, doing some actual exercise so I can stop being miserably out of shape would be one of them, and I'd like to learn to draw, I've got ideas for a video game I'd like to make but I can never just sit and focus and get ideas down on paper because I hate everything I try to do

Hey user, thank you. How are you?
I'm feeling down because I realized I'm prob going to die alone. I don't think I'm too ugly that's not my issue, problem is women don't really atract me, or at least not enough for me to consider a long term relationship. I'm more attracted to men but I can't see myself geniunely loving one (doesn't help that most gay men are extremely flamboyant and I despise that). So yeah, I can't seem to love anyone, and I doubt anyone can love me back. Worst thing is that I realized I'm not actually getting any better. I've been hitting the gym for a year now and recently made some new friends, for a while I felt "happy". I felt happy when I went to the gym, or hanged out with my friends, but as soon as I'm alone again the thought of being forever alone kills me and I feel extremely lonely. I'm tired of feeling "happy", I'm tired of this fake cope and happiness. Don't know what I'll do

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I just want a friend I can play vidya with but they never want to play
Other people always come first even when we have plans. I'm not meant to have friends I think

>I'm hearing that you're feeling pretty numb, maybe you feel like you might have anhedonia?
Yeah idk I dont wanna diognose myself Ive been to a doctor but all he did was give me some paper that says this dude probably has depression and now I need to look for a therapist but that shit is impossible and there are only a few spaces available so I'm not even really bothering pursuing this whole getting help meme

>So would you feel better if you knew you were going somewhere? Do you think knowing that it's all for something would help you accept discomfort or suffering on the way? How do you feel when you cut, if you don't mind me asking?
I mean I am not neet so in some way I am on my way going somewhere but I feel like I dont even care about that or what will happen to me in the future I'm just more or less apathetic with my own life.
I dont really feel better when I cut its just something I do when to blow off some steam I guess when I get really overwhelmed and angry at myself I slice a few cuts and yeah thats it but it doesnt even help really

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>Had a girlfriend who i really liked
That's lovely, user!
>Problem is we had an argument
Uh-oh...
>she believes I'm toxic, she browses reddit, and she was pretty shocked when she found out i use this place
>Decided to not even bother. The more i ignored the more angry she got.
user, it sounds like you two are having problems with communicating. I'm going to be making a few assumptions here, I hope that's okay with you? If it doesn't resonate, let me know.
Ignoring isn't going to work in any relationship, because that builds up bitter feelings. Things need to be addressed, but not as arguments to be won. Instead of trying to convince her that Yas Forums isn't what she thinks, or ignoring her protests, you should explain your own feelings and why Yas Forums is important to you. She doesn't have to respect Yas Forums, she only has to respect your feelings and personal experience, and I'm sure she could have done that if you would have engaged her in this honest, emotional way instead. Now that's me making a whole lot of assumptions without seeing the full argument, so take it with a grain of salt, user.

I don't mean any offense, but you sound pretty miserable and kind of avoidant? Like you're not being entirely honest, but I'm not sure about what. If I had to guess, you probably aren't sure either. You sound very thoughtful and like you're in your own head a lot, I respect that kind of self-reflection.

I'm sorry to hear that user, my gf left me last year and I'm still recovering from it emotionally.

Bottoms up!

I hope you meet a nice girl like that user.

>i prayed and some things started to work out but it couldve been coincidence
I've had this happen to me, not with prayer but something else. It's a weird feeling, I guess I'd call it hope? I hope things work out for you two.

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>I can never just sit and focus and get ideas down on paper because I hate everything I try to do
Do you think you could learn to enjoy doing things regardless of whether or not you're proud of the outcome? Do you think you could learn to be proud of the doing itself? I'm sure it sounds kind of like a pipe-dream, you don't have the energy to do things in the first place, right? Here's something to consider though:

I think you do have energy, but it's being drained away at an unnatural pace. You have to exert crazy amounts of energy to do very simple things that shouldn't take almost any energy, and then you're left with no energy to do the things you wish you could do. I think this is because you've got kind of like debuffs on yourself. Imagine your energy throughout the day is like mana, and you've got a mana-draining debuff on you that's making it impossible to draw or work on your game. I think if you got rid of the debuff first and "uncluttered", so to speak, it wouldn't feel nearly as insurmountable.

>Hey user, thank you. How are you?
I'm feeling a little better at the moment, replying to people and getting some nice authentic messages feels good.

>I can't seem to love anyone, and I doubt anyone can love me back.
This sentence spoke to me out of everything you said the most. What I'm hearing from you is that you want to be loved, but you don't think you're lovable. And I don't think it's an unreasonable assumption either - you've improved yourself and no one still gave you love. You're still alone. So what other assumption could you make?

But I don't think you're hopeless, user. I think because you're obviously intelligent, you've learned the wrong lesson, which has been reinforced by experience into a fact in your mind. But you can find love, if you expose yourself to being hurt again, and you most certainly are lovable.

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>Other people always come first even when we have plans. I'm not meant to have friends I think
Why do you think that is? Do you think your friends dislike you, or that they don't care about you one way or another? Are you the one that always messages them but they never message you? Have you tried making new friends?

When did you first start feeling like you don't care? What do you think apathy protects you from?

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>but you sound pretty miserable
Definitely. I get to watch things go by without me, and I feel like I barely exist sometimes.
>and kind of avoidant? Like you're not being entirely honest, but I'm not sure about what
Maybe I have some hope that things aren't how they seem, but I'm usually open about how I feel.

>Why do you think that is?
I really wish I knew
My theory is that its cause they know I'll be here and kind of take it for granted. But since it's been established idk if I can fix it or recover from it
>Do you think your friends dislike you, or that they don't care about you one way or another?
I think they just don't care, it doesnt effect them when they ignore me and blow off plans after all
>Are you the one that always messages them but they never message you?
Unless they need something it's always me messaging them first
>Have you tried making new friends?
Yes, lots of times, lots of different kinds of people, irl and online. It's always the same
When I was younger I figured it was because I was pretty much always depressed. I mean I still am but I mask it and never mention it, I try to act positive

>When did you first start feeling like you don't care?
I guess I started having depressive symptoms like 2 years ago but it steadily got worse
>What do you think apathy protects you from?
Nothing its just ruining my life. My life is pretty okay if you look at it objectively but I dont care about it and just wanna die thus making my life worse and now I have to deal with these thoughts all the time

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>But you can find love, if you expose yourself to being hurt again
I think that what I'm afraid the most is hurting someone. It's happened once before, I found a guy who I thought I loved but as time went on I realized I didn't really love him. He was really nice but I just couldn't bring myself to continue so I had to told him. I broke his heart, and I still feel like shit about it. I'm seriously afraid I'll find someone who loves me and think I love them back but in reality I'm just trying to find someone to fill the void so I don't feel lonely anymore, no matter if I truly love them or not.

Thanks for the reply tho user, and thanks for the kind words

It kind of depresses me to know that when this lockdown shit ends there will be no noticeable difference in my life

Society is predicated upon comparison.
>This person has more, I have less, thus I feel bad.
Even if you lived in a society of entirely crippled people like yourself, I'm sure you'd still find comparisons that could make you unhappy. Likely you'd be much less miserable, but I'm fairly certain experience has taught you to think this way and to be highly comparative. Even your initial statement contains a comparison involving meaning and the scale of things. Comparison is necessary to humans, but it can also prevent us from enjoying what we have. I obviously can't tell a miserable cripple to just be happy despite his suffering, but I can tell you that you have a very obviously intelligent mind, which you can train to gain more happiness than your highly-comparative mind is currently allowing you, based on data it has learned. This is hard, but I think you have a better shot at it than most people.

>cause they know I'll be here and kind of take it for granted.
> I was pretty much always depressed. I mean I still am but I mask it and never mention it, I try to act positive
I'm hearing that there's a lot of 'give' on your part and only 'take' on theirs. Do you fear being abandoned? Do you remember a time you were abandoned?

>Nothing its just ruining my life.
I'm sure the apathy is very destructive, but I also think it has to be protective, or at least it was born from a need to protect you. I believe you don't know the answer, but there definitely is a more nuanced answer. What happened 2 years ago in your life before and during the depression?

What makes you think you didn't really love them? What if you just stopped loving them?

It sounds like you're really starved for love, like loneliness is this physical need for you. I think you should forgive yourself and show some compassion towards yourself, because you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't mean to break that guy's heart.

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Well, a year back I had a girlfriend. I broke up with her.
But I still wander the streets with a mixed feeling of angst that I meet her.
We were together for two years, in the same classes too. Absolutly inseperable.
But I guess we had seperate ways of showing love. I remember her getting sad that I showed up to see her dance show, because I wanted to see her dance and not the act of dancing itself. I also remember how I begged her to spend summer and valentines with me, and wait her holidays with her parents. Or how I were ready to forsake my studies to work so I could move in with her in our own flat, while she kept her 4hour part time, and living by her parents four days the week still.
And we had to be together all other time. I couldn't be on my phone, or chat with my online friends because then I weren't with her. Not that they were my friends in her eyes, since I never met them, nevermind one of them helped me out my depression.
I also remember forcing myself to be home by myself, shutting down my phone and ignoring her texts. First she'd call me names if I didn't answer then she'd blame herself.
I broke up with her, after I found myself in bed with another woman. I felt filthy. Ended the relationship a week after, couldn't bear the guilt. Couldn't even say why, she didn't even blink. Just made sure I got the stuff I had at her place. The time passed and I got it worse and worse. Being in the same classes took its toll on both of us. She ran away from home, I attempted suicide but could not go through with it.
I ended up telling her I cheated in December. She didn't blink there either. Only told me that I were manipulative and held her back from her life goals, (which now were different from when we were together). Told me her life were much better, bragged about the things she's seen running around. It worked on making me feel bad.
So that's why the streets of my city is streets of anxiety.

im worried about the future and what ill be. scared i wont be interested in anything that pays well
i feel like i cant create art. i suck at music, drawing etc.
all these feelings are bottled up together with constant deadlines from school to deliver projects and shit.
i dont feel like i can talk to my friends at all about this stuff, we never have serious conversations, always joking around.

thanks for doing this thread so i could vent a little.