>schizophrenia
"Togo Shitcho Sho" ("integration disorder").
Up until this it seemed relatable:
>hallucinations
Auditory or visual? From my perspective, adjusting to a new culture, at the expense of distorting your old frame of reference, seems like a trade off, which may or may not be worth it.
Have you ever considered letting that second personality you have fully take over your life, and just running with it?
if i didn't have the hallucinations and i was determined to live the rest of my life in Japan, the tradeoff would have been worth it, yes.
i had both visual and auditory hallucinations. one time my friend came over to my apartment and we talked for about an hour before he said he had to leave. it turned out he had never come, it was all a hallucination in my mind.
those hallucinations weren't so bad because at least they resembled normal life. the hallucinations that became demonic and surreal took the biggest toll on me and that is what prompted me to return to the US.
How did you find out he didn't come? Must have been awkward. Demonic hallucinations? Eh, I'd expect surreal, but damn.
i talked to him later and he said he had been somewhere else and couldn't have possibly been to my apartment. when i looked at my texts on my phone, i couldn't find anything from him that said he was coming over (even though i had seen a text saying he was coming over in my hallucination).
everything was very realistic from the text to the knocking on my door, coming in, sitting down, the conversation, then getting up and leaving, closing the door behind him. i wish i could remember what we talked about but my memory isn't very good from that time period.
some of the hallucinations were just maddening. like seeing and hearing this girl i was interested in get gangraped in the alleyway next to my apartment and trying to open the door that led there but it being locked. for a long time i thought it was real and had happened but these days i just think it must have been a hallucination.
That's wild. I can't imagine what it must be like living in a situation where you can't trust your senses. For how long did you smoke until shit started hitting the fan?
HOLY SHIT THELL ME HOW I NEED THIS SO FUCKIGN BADLY
Yes, but I don't want to get arrested and spend the rest of my life in prison.
phenylpiracetam+choline
weed smoking causes paranoia over time. To trigger it instantly, smoke a lot of weed and take MDMA. EVERYTHING will seem significant. Not a good place to be at all. You will start endlessly over-thinking, over-analyzing and questioning people actions, events and behaviors like micro-expressions that you were previously not aware of and this can get quite out of hand and very burdening.
i'm not sure, i started smoking when i was 21 off and on then i think i was 23 when this all happened.
if what you say is true, i'm glad i never took MDMA. it's already bad enough as it stands. you are right, i see and overanalyze micro-expressions. also i hear the tonality and pitch of people's voices and read meaning into it. it's really annoying when before i was blissfully unaware of it.
as for the paranoia, my questioning of people's actions, voices, movements, etc. became fearful in that i thought people were trying to control me or make me act in a particular way toward them. i thought they would (or at least, could) modulate their voice in a way that would cause me to think they were more masculine or more certain of themselves. it doesn't sound so bad when i write it out like this but when it's bombarding you 24/7 with no end in sight, it really starts to wear you down. i think this stress caused my schizophrenia to become worse.
also, people who are dicks or narcissists or any other kind of aggravating personality type get super annoying when you are sensitive to every pitch inflection in their voice. i happened to stay with a "friend" who is a narcissist and it drove me crazy how he needed to "one up" me in everything i said. he would use the same pitch inflection over and over again to undermine what i had said. i thought at the time he was doing it purposefully but when i think about it, it's probably entirely subconscious and he's unaware he's doing it.
Sure but how?
The guy at the wheel is a huge, confident-less pussy.
How the fuck do I stuff that guy in a barrel filled with cement and drop him in the ocean