How have you been doing lately, anons? Feel free to vent here or talk about whatever...

Ah user, that's one of the best things. Feeling nothing. Having feelings suck so much. Maybe let the emptiness and burn down everything you enjoy and be content with it until there's nothing left. Not like there's much to enjoy in life, there's a cap for how much enjoyment you can get from things, eventually it all loses it initial appeal, that's how I see it.
>I also live in Chronic pain which sucks
Care to explain?

Yeah, at least that's one step forward. Realizing this. Maybe this way we can somehow, in the future stop and try to make or get to a logical conclusion before making an impulsive decision based on how we feel.

Same for me, I thought that without trying, everything would fix itself, it seemed that way for others, but I have always been a bad judge or never really compared myself with others so never saw the effort they put into things.
It's a truth that we don't know if things will change or not, but after 27 years, for me, things have always been the same, and I don't expect them to change anymore, even it's kind of liberating to just let everything go to waste. But if you feel like keep trying, just do what you think it is best for you or that person you care about, after all, having regrets over things you didn't try is crushing as fuck.

Maybe there could be, but im very sure there isn't. I hope when we die, that's it, nothing more, no more experiences of anything. Just complete nothingness. Would you like somewhat of after life where things will be somewhat different? If you could, would you change your entire life here on this earth?

Yes, I used to do that quite a lot. But over the last few years been doing it less and less, maybe I do it more when I want to fantasize or I'm bored out of my mind. But even music for long times lose the appeal to me.

I will listen to the playlist, thanks for posting it.
youtube.com/watch?v=y7TUnZXEVxM&

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I messaged my hooker oneitis and her only responses are "who is this" "I don't know who this is".

Why is my immediate family the only one I can get to care about me on anything deeper than a surface level? I feel so alone lads.

I've been feeling very angry ever since I started university. I got into a physical fight with some kid in Engineering which almost got me booted out but things didn't escalate.

Seems like for whatever reason, some family members are the true people who will, no matter how much you fuck up in life, will never give up on you. Though, I don't get it much myself, as I think I don't get lonely but empty, I think those 2 are different things. So I would be totally fine with no one around, have done so for long periods of time in the past, even no internet.
Maybe, accepting somewhat and understanding that we are all alone in the end, is the best.

Why did the fight started? At least you didn't get booted. I have never been in a fight myself, I think.

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Laying down and tuning out to music is the best relaxation and distraction method. It's such an emotional and personal experience.
Sorry to read that you're panicking so much, what happened? Where is your gf going?

Do you ever feel like talking about yourself only fucks you up?

she is in psychward, she is precious girl who is very damaged.
I hope for the best for her I just want to be able to be someone she can depend on and show not all adults are bad people.
I have intense insecurities at the moment also, only one day in.
when i get bad thoughts I need to push them away

I started seeing a psychiatrist again, and she put me on this antipsychotic, but not enough to make me feel like a unfeeling zombie, like I like. She is afraid of the side effects hurting me. Maybe I can just take two pills a day. There was a time where I could sleep for days and days, just from taking another pill whenever I woke up.

Pretty good. It is making me realize that i might actually want to be a teacher of some sort one day instead of just killing myself after i am done in the army. And i feel like she is doesn't really want to know ne outside of this "professional setting"

fucking top kek
good luck with that, we both know you'll never be someone anyone else could depend on
even you can't depend on yourself

I was fooling around with my Shenanigans, he didn't like it but instead of confronting me like civilly and just asking me to stop, he had to make an entire scene (Standing up and telling me to "shut the fuck up" ). I didn't wanna make it look like I was letting him punk me around so I stood my ground. Things escalated and swings were thrown.

It was at some kind of a study hall where there were only students, an instructor would pass by occasionally. But there were enough people for the word to spread.

The fight itself wasn't bad, the worst thing that happened was I wrecked my wrist when I punched him in the head. But now everyone thinks I'm some punk.

so what should I do? just give up?
no, not yet oh man....
just want to sleep and stop existing

I have been doing ok. My college midterms are here and I think I did ok on them. Thankfully this is my last semester, and I can finally(hopefully) get a job that pays more than 10k a year. I am STEM with good grades, so I have some hope.
My main worry is what I will do about friends. Been living with a roommate off-campus for a few years now, and it will be hard to deal with the loneliness after we part ways. Thinking about looking for a girlfriend, but I am also worried I won't find someone who enjoys the same things I do. Unlike most robots here I am actually doing fine...I am just uncertain about the future.

I wish my last friend just cut me off because I can't myself. Can't deal with this overwhelming sense of inadequacy.

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>just give up?
yeah. man we both know you are beyond saving

I forgot to link the music I am listening to...its a band called "Master Boot Record" who does electronic metal instrumentals. Pretty dope music.
youtu.be/t6KFfYdNPh8

I kind of avoid doing that to an extend, but sometimes people ask you stuff and you just feel like replying. I guess doing so, sometimes make me realize somethings, depending on what the other person asks.

Yeah. Know that myself very well. I am going to schedule one appointment on Monday, hopefully I can get new meds to numb me the fuck down and some anxiety killing meds. This shit sucks. What is the anti-psychotic you're taking now? I have been on like 20 over the years.

I guess some people are like that. I myself dislike confrontations because I don't know how to handle myself or when to shut up, I kind of sometimes have no filter. I lose my temper easily, but try to stay quiet, I'm very good at that I guess.
>The fight itself wasn't bad, the worst thing that happened was I wrecked my wrist when I punched him in the head.
That kind of sucks, since it seems like he was the one who started the unnecessary scene. Is your wrist better now?

At least you're doing good. That's something. How much you expect to make on your very first "real" job that you want when you graduate?
>My main worry is what I will do about friends.
Enjoy them as much as you can until it last. Have to remember yourself that eventually, everything ends. Nothing lasts, that's life. Misery and struggle in some ways, but not all of that misery and struggle is bad, in my opinion. You can find some content on it.
>Thinking about looking for a girlfriend
Maybe this is kind of stupid, but the best relationships I have had (regarding friends) were people I didn't look for, and just happened naturally. So, maybe try not to really "look" for it but let it happen naturally. Don't know.

What about if they don't want that? Maybe they are just waiting for some things that might be affecting your current self past to go and savor the "good times" again. But in the end, it is up to you to do that. Just let time decide, I guess.

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It feels like my friend is slowly losing interest in me, and it probably has something to do with me not bringing any skills or personality to the table. Not gonna lie, he's my only real source of happiness, but he also drives me insane by ignoring me, and the fact that i'm the only person who's not allowed to touch him. I like hugs or sitting close to people but he can't stand me being within a foot of him. I take showers really often, apply and re-apply deodorant often, so i know i dont smell. it also drives me fucking nuts that everyone likes him better than me, and its always been that way. We're coworkers on the beach and girls flirt with him but don't even look in my direction, and back in highschool (and now very rarely) he got invited to parties whereas i didnt. I just wish he'd either drop me or pay more attention to me, i just lay in bed all day if i'm not hanging out with him and hate myself...

I don't know how to handle confrontations. One part of me just wants to brush the whole thing aside and continue with work, but on the other side, having people tell me what to do, assert their power over me etc. is a deep insecurity of mine so I have to make a scene everytime, which got me into a lot of conflicts and fights when I was a kid / teen.

The wrist still hurts, but I did practice boxing when I was younger, so I know this feeling.

Only about 36-40k. I am a Information Systems major, and my first job will most likely be help desk. I am getting certifications though, already have my CompTIA A+ and Sec+. Trying for my CCNA this summer. Hoping to be a network engineer in about 6 to 7 years.

I'm in the military and I took emergency leave for two weeks to go visit my dying grandmother. She was one of the people that raised me and I saw her pretty much just as a mother figure, more than my actual mom. She passed away while I was home and I'm sad but happy at the same time, mostly because I know that she's not in a place where she suffering anymore.
I'm in the military and I took emergency leave for two weeks to go visit my dying grandmother. She was one of the people that raised me and I saw her pretty much just as a mother figure, more than my actual mom. She passed away while I was home and I'm sad but happy at the same time, mostly because I know that she's not in a place where she's suffering anymore.
While I was home as well I met this girl threw a couple mutual friends. Her name is Emma, she's really nice and she is small, petite in brunette in a little bit awkward. Not the kind of awkward like she's disgusted by me but, more so just like she's socially awkward.
We start talking a lot after I met her, texting pretty much every day and all that jazz. Usually she asked me how my day is going and it seems genuinely interested in the conversations that we have, albeit nothing too deep though. The biggest thing that I like about her is she doesn't seem like a massive whore, I don't know a whole lot about her past or anything like that because I try to save that for in person conversations but from what I can tell I don't think she is.
She also didn't seem to have much of a problem when I have my arm around her, hand around her hips and the small of her back as well. A lot of the time I just kind of see that as kindness because I'm very oblivious, but I have no idea.
I don't know a whole lot about her past or anything like that because I try to save that for in person conversations but from what I can tell.
I want to tell her how I feel but at the same time I don't know if I should do it through text or wait till I go back home permanently here in 30 days

wait you want to fuck a grandma

>yeah. man we both know you are beyond saving
I will wait a lil bt there is some hope or I hope that there is but it is dwindling by the moment

No my grandmother who was like a mom to me died
Not sure why the fuck it doubled that paragraph

Panic builds as I scramble to collect myself. Strong somnolence attempts to pull me back down but my stress overpowers it. 6:30 the clock blares. As I move to get ready and depart into that same cycle of willful avoidance and procrastination. Pushing forward, no longer possessing passion or will to succeed. Complacency and pessimism replace any drive left. Downcast as the world blurs and becomes muffled, no longer paying any mind to the chaos around me. Well being ignored by others as always, no line of support. Treading on as tangs of regret building, hanging on my soul as the dread of failed ventures and missed opportunities weigh on me. Approaching a collapse, cold sweat building on my temples. Deadlines fast approaching, can't take it any longer; I'm getting close to the edge. After I would just hope that I'll be dead as I go into panic mode and go up to the ledge. I'm not aiming for the hedge; I just don't want to live with this dread. After all, it's just all inside my head. I've said all that could be said. Maybe tomorrow I'll be dead.

Well, I understand the "having people tell me what to do" thing. I have always had a problem with authority or people trying to "control" me in a way that goes against my will. But somehow, over the years I have become much better at handling it the best I can, so ignoring almost everything and secluding myself was the only option.
As a kid I was more angry and troublesome, but I also tried to stop myself from letting it all go out, it almost never worked, but oh well, still, didn't get into fights in that sense. But I have been beaten up while drunk or whatever, and I know I deserved those beatings.

You wrote this or is this a line from a movie or a song or a book? If you did, it is very touching in a way. A sense of devastation or something, I get from it.

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Not OP but nice, sounds synthwaveish to me, Carpenter Brut, Gost and Perturbator for example have always had that metal vibe to them.

youtube.com/watch?v=BvUkROjv1U4
youtube.com/watch?v=TJiVPUZ0svY
youtube.com/watch?v=W9Bar7XamzY
youtube.com/watch?v=iiH6lFSzJ78
youtube.com/watch?v=mDiVajkrIbQ
youtube.com/watch?v=2_BCBssHN9A
youtube.com/watch?v=FPu37U8ZJVI
youtube.com/watch?v=ejDr6R0Yhh4

all things considered im doing ok. ive been finding more and more that i just want to be left alone though, because i live in shithole rural new england and dont have any friends in meatspace. im visiting philadelphia over spring break to do drugs with people i met on the internet though so its not all bad

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Uhuh, anyways, thanks for the chat.

I've been really considering suicide strongly lately, but i know posting online especially on here just warrants "do it faggot"
so it feels like it doesn't even matter to say this

Just do it man, the panorama is bleak for all of us anyway.

If you are serious, don't do it. Get help where you can. If you have any money, therapy does wonders. Hope you feel better soon!

Yeah i knew i'd get this answer
Are you op? i hope not, because "hope you feel better" is like telling a cancer patient "well good luck with that"

Yeah I am aware of the same feelings.
What method do you think you will go for?

Shotgun
If i can't get access to a modern gun i'll get a black powder gun, those are legal for those who can't get regular guns
just as effective, if not more

Sorry. I mostly wasn't sure how to end my sentence.
Seriously, go to therapy. Its like cold medicine...you don't realize how much you need it until you get it. Anything is better than offing yourself.

youtube.com/watch?v=sdV9qhvE1jE
heres a song. on a big cowboy music kick

It's okay, just realize saying that is
I'm not sure how to put it
saying that is so generic and thoughtless nowadays it's like giving someone a penny
the fuck are they gonna do with it?
I am in therapy, but the next appointment is in two weeks, i don't know if i can make it

Didnt even read the thread. Based Johan poster, or not. Idk if youre the same guy that posted once or twice johan images with his posts the past few days. I remember thinking on of those past posts disagreed with me. Whatever.
This is the least of my problems, but I find whenever I try to incite discussions on this board I get ignored. I wonder if my "insight" on whatever I choose to share on this board is simply boring to anons. I may get a response or two, but never momentum for a thread. In a way, it mirrors my place in life. Though there's not much going on in my life, I wonder if, like my posts, I have a place in a few others lives' by way of providing a brief and fleeting moment of engaging conversation... or something like that

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No, I'm OP. I'm not against suicide as it seems "logical" to choose it considering what life actually is. Though, I would try to talk to the person just for curiosity as to why they are considering doing it, and maybe give some insight the best way I can, but at the end, if you're truly thinking of doing it, not even that will stray you away from doing it.
Tell me if you want, why you are considering it more now than ever?

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It seems logical to choose it? I'm confused

Maybe, maybe not. I haven't been using this character for a while but I don't see many people using him either, so maybe I am, but I don't recognize you namefag.
>I try to incite discussions on this board I get ignored. I wonder if my "insight" on whatever I choose to share on this board is simply boring to anons.
I was told recently that the reason sometimes (most times) people drop off conversations with me is because I try to put effort in my replies or incite conversations or something like that. But I think the fact is that I overwhelm people with my opinions or ideas in most cases, it seems to be the case, since for whatever reason I tend to write a lot and even not make sense or contradict myself, feels like.
Maybe it does mirrors, in this sense our place in life. But does it really matters? Maybe at the moment, but in the end, looking at the big picture, we will all just fade away someday and be forgotten, so whatever we do doesn't means much.
>I wonder if, like my posts, I have a place in a few others lives' by way of providing a brief and fleeting moment of engaging conversation... or something like that
Well, in this case yes.

Yes, life and death are as meaningless. The only reason we fear death or whatever, is because of how our brains are wired and programmed, the same reason we need some kind of "social interaction" even thrhough the internet, as meaningless as it might seem to some people, it provides you with that need to "belong" or whatever the nonsense is.
So, in this sense, being alive or being death only matter to us because we are self-conscious creatures, aware of ourselves and the experiences we have. At the end, life has no intrinsic meaning and the one you give to it is only your own, there's no correct way to live or whatever, so being alive is more of a an illogical choice than killing yourself.

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Are you saying i'm right to feel suicidal?

Yes. Why wouldn't you be? Why wouldn't anyone be right to feel suicidal or not? It is their right to end their own existence or delude themselves into finding some meaning.
There's no reason for anything in this place or the universe itself.

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I used to be like that in the past. Emotions are weird, they are what keeps you going, keep that in mind.

I'm not really a namefag. Very rarely I do so. I think its only the second time I've done so.
I think you're somewhat like me. When you describe your conversation patterns I see myself in it a little. Something about my posts put people off, perhaps it seems like I take things too seriously. I take random, picayune things serious enough to write detailed "effortposts", or effort texts. Irl I dont have this problem as much, its a different realm entirely, I dont have time to think about what Im going to say during a live conversation, so my insights come through in bits and pieces, surely this way is more palatable for most everyone.

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I guess so, I think you described it very well. I have more time to think here, online, to put more effort in my replies and try to make some sense and try to "understand" or whatever the other person is telling me. In real life is totally different. I act on by the moment, not thinking much and just saying/doing whatever comes from "impulse" I guess. I also don't expand as much as a I do in real life as online.
Maybe that's a big problem, what do you think?

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Hello Johan, I know you're likely talking to other anons, but I'll vent as well even if noone replies to my post. How am I to forgive myself for all of my past failings. I've fallen to my vices too many times and I cannot seem to change. I understand that I need to change my ways in order to function and be happy, but I generally do the same thing everyday only with slight variations that smooth out over time turn into a dull hum. If I am too comfortable with my pathetic state, when will I gather enough strength to fix things? (You cannot answer that question in full for you do not know me, but still I had to ask). Knowing that there exists steps I can take to help myself and yet not engaging with them is incredibally frusterating (luckly I have no friends for if I did they would have to listen to my self-pity daily). I have to beg myself to do the most rudimentary of tasks and even then I complain. I want to beat myself until I cant stand, I want to be punished severely, but I know that will not solve my problem. In summary, I want to die for being unable to cope with my inadequcies and being constantly out of sync with myself.

well it sounds like you're saying "go ahead it do it whatever nothing matters"
keep me going to the grave?

Well, that's something hard to do, forgive yourself, I have never done so as I am my own judge and I judge myself more severely than others.
>In order to be happy
Maybe you're looking at this in the wrong way. I have always thought that people who seek happiness are somewhat very wrong for doing so. If you take into consideration the balance of what the human experience is and what the human life in general brings to a person, it's mostly just all "bad" things. Happiness is fleeting and gets away quite easily. So maybe, what you should be reaching for is some kind of stability withing yourself and some content with whatever you can achieve or get in this life.
>(You cannot answer that question in full for you do not know me, but still I had to ask).
Yes, I do not know your situation, and even if I did, I couldn't give you a satisfactory answer as I don't know you or could never understand yourself better than you, and even if you get a better understanding of yourself, not even you can truly understand yourself in the end.
So it depends, in my opinion. It will either be some kind of "spark" eventually when you get so disgusted with your current self that you say you have had enough and start to do things, or just keep falling to the bottom. To me, both things are the same.

But maybe if you did, if you find some actual real friends, they would actually listen to you and help you see somethings you're overlooking, understand or at least make you realize somethings in a better way. I know how hard it is to make actual friends like that, so that's more like a "fantasy" or something, idk. But maybe that would be the thing to push you over to do things you need to do.

I am full of regrets and I don't feel like I have ever belonged anywhere, a by-stander or whatever. Sometimes, it is just easier to give up and give in to the reality of what you are, even in your own life. I am not really sure. Should we try even if we somewhat know how things will end?

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I'm slowly giving in to my homicidal tendencies. I'm a definite psychopath, and I am so sick of the shit and piss this world has created. I am tired of being so angry and the therapy. Typical goddamn shrinks, never get the solution. I plan every massacre with excrutiating detail. I don't know what to do anymore. The only love in my life is gone now. What should I do anons?

>well it sounds like you're saying "go ahead it do it whatever nothing matters"
In a way, yes. I am not encouraging you to do so or not to do so, as I do not truly care. I do not know you and you being alive or dead does not matter or affects me, no offense at all, it's just how things are. If you really want to do it and have the guts to do it, then go ahead if that's what you want. Life is meaningless in my view, but if you have a meaning for it of your own or not, my opinion shouldn't matter, or whatever i tell you. You can take this in whatever way you want.

>The only love in my life is gone now.
Who/which was that love?

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i found out a few weeks ago my daughter has been molested by her whore of a mothers ex bf. i havent cried in years bros i havent stopped for over 14 days. shes doesnt even feel like my daughter anymore. its the most fucked up shit ive ever dealt with. after a lot of thinking and arguing with her mother for defending him for all these years im going down to the courthouse on monday to sign my rights off completely.

A nice japanese/? girl i met in the psychiatric ward. She was suicidal and I was not. Now i have no contact with her and I fear for her life. It made me feel whole being with here and protecting here.

If this were a comedy anime, this would be the punchline where I attempt to write a response, but I cannot figure out what exactly youre referring to by "a big problem." Problem for you? Irl? I dont know how good your conversational skills are irl, but I assume theyre at least as good as mine.
Anyway sorry for taking so long between responses. Ive been keeping my sister company and lose my train of thought

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>as I do not truly care
then why make this thread? if you're not going to lend any emotions?
"hey guys you can vent to me"
"I feel like killing myself"
"well whatever"

jk, not even once.

Why dont you tell us exactly how you got there? For me there is rational suicide and emotional suicide. Former is when your life is so objectively fucked its pointless to keep going, the only reason youd keep going is obeying that dumb reptilian part of your brain. The latter is when your temporary Yes, I know how much many of you hate the le suicide is a le permanent solution... platitude but don't get me wrong, I do believe it's a permanent solution to a permanent problem this being life itself, but our lifes goals etc vastly differ negative emotions overwhelm you despite you living a relatively decent life and wanting to keep going deep down. Its not binary of course but rather a spectrum, do what you must but most of all let if be YOUR decision. Fuck what your parents or whatever think, its your life.

Thats very unfortunate, this is every mans nightmare, that someone do something to his family. Where do you live user?

>lyn doing actual damage

holy shit, now I have seen it all.

I'll say one thing, as too much would overload you
since last last august, i have had constant muscle pain in my back neck and head, i've gone to many doctors, none can figure it out or fix it
and it hurts every, single, second of the day, every day, since last last august

What I mean, that more IRL than online I truly have no filter, so I make people more mad or whatever more often. Kind of. It depends. i'm very good at faking and pretending to be something I am not, but it's too mentally tiring and over the years I haven't done so as it is not worth it.
>Anyway sorry for taking so long between responses. Ive been keeping my sister company and lose my train of thought
All good. Keep her company instead of chatting with random anons if you need to.

Why would you expect me to care or feel for you if I don't even know you? I know you're a person behind a screen on the other end, but even if you were in front of me, I wouldn't go out of my way either, not more than trying to ask stuff and asking of the why you feel this way. It's nothing personal and if you take offense by this, it's not my fault. I made the thread because it is a good way to occupy my time, nothing more, nothing less. I said I was going and try to reply to everyone I feel like to the best of my abilities and that's what I have been doing. If you wanted some reassurance or someone to give you reasons not to kill yourself, then you're not really wanting to do it, don't you think?

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