I just had to take a shower after having a shit because I have no fucking toilet paper...

I always wafflestomp, saves a load of money. Don't need toilet paper, don't need to clean the toilet as often, hell I probably don't even really need a toilet. Shit during my shower every morning, clean my asshole with my fingers and soap so I can feel if there's anything left, and then go about my day completely assured my butt is cleaner than anyone else's who's been smearing it with a dry paper square.
Of course this doesn't work for amerisharts with awful diets who have unpredictable explosive diarrhea five times a day.