I am gonna make something good that makes people want to be good and turn all my problems into steps that led to something good, and then maybe I will be good, and I will have meaning
and even in all this I just want it all to make someone see em and see that I'm real, and make them want to be with me, and love me, so maybe I can love them, but I know I can't, so I'm going to work to this anyway, and not involve myself, so my manipulation and chaos and coldness won't exist, because when I'm away from people it never manifests, it's only a shield I put up in proximity for some reason, so when I see people as words and images, and as feelings and sounds, and anything but a character in my life, then I love them and see them as me, born in another time at another place, and maybe I can somehow swoop in and place things in those lives that I felt was missing in mine, because everyone is sort of living that confused and hurting life, without an axis to balance it, meaning and purpose and love, and recognition of the beauty of a life, maybe I can put that there, and put more empathy and intimacy in the world, even as I drive it out of my own
maybe if I can do something not just good, but great, then I can try and let someone in, but until then my pain can only strengthen my empathy, and I can understand not one person well but all people a little bit more, and I can really put some sweat and tears into something and have a reason to have something to be proud of, to put some worth to myself, even as I make the same chaotic decisions, like lie to everyone, and ghost every single one of my friends for years without a reason, they still know nothing of all this, or who I really am, and I don't know what to do now because even though I haven't existed to them for years, and sort of never really did, I still think of them as my best friends, but I think who I am deep down is too destructive to let them any closer, and solitude may let us all be happier