After being severely abused in my childhood...

After being severely abused in my childhood, now as an adult I dont want anything to do with sex or relationships or even people. I've had sex before and even some girls asked me out on dates too, but I rejected them. I've been rejecting people for 3 years by now and living in isolation all by miself, I dont want to keep living like this but I do not enjoy sex or talking/touching people irl.

Im a /lit/ crossposter, I mostly come to Yas Forums to cheer /frens/ up as I like to cheer frens up. But now I was just looking if some user could relate to this, pls b nice

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Can't relate because I want sex and intimacy and what not. When I was younger I was more reclusive and it's a shame because there were girls that wanted to date me. I understand what you are going through. My thoughts are wih you fren.

I can't relate, but I want to say that I'm sorry that all happened to you, user. You didn't deserve it, and I think this is something you can overcome. Are you getting treatment? Now would be the perfect time to start, since therapists and psychiatrists are all doing their work remotely due to the pandemic, so you can see them from home with less anxiety.

Thanks fren. I can relate to being extremely reclusive as a kid, as I was too.
Thank your for being nice fren, and I hope you get the sex and intimacy you want

Thank you too fren. Dunno if I can overcome it fren. As for treatment, I thought about it before. I went for a time to therapy but didnt work out much.

Its been a sad night t b h. I keep remembering the last date I had after dropping out of college and going full isolation mode, it was with a cute interchange student from norway, she invited me to a bar and then her home. I recoiled every time she touched me or even tried to give me a hug, and then I just ended up ghosting her. She was really cute and interested in literature like me, but I simply could not pass the touching ground. I remember having panic attacks when she asked me out. The same happens in rooms with people or even trains, I just panic because of the sudden probability of violence.
Is hell going outside frens but I dont want to be alone anymore :(

>he thinks he is muh edgy for saying "fren" overused human frog guy meme word

Frogposting is based

I was too, abused severely. Seek God, forgive everyone, and accept people's natures but don't let your past destroy your future. You need to understand that you need to break the pattern of how you see others and relationships or it will continue and warp your reality and will attract nothing but suffering. You must love yourself and focus on yourself above all and God will align things for you if you just know who you are and what you want. The one person that will never abandon you and will love you forever is God and Jesus Christ. You need to heal yourself and work on yourself first and combat this defensiveness and reflex of yours. You know it isn't logical! You know not everyone is bad, just as not everyone is good. You have to trust yourself and built discernment of character. There is someone out there just like you. There is someone out there that is just like you and wants to love to but is just as scared as you. You need someone you can trust. You need to get to know people and be friends first. You need to take it slow. Don't rush or force things or be with people or be someone you aren't or don't like. There's people out there like you that want families. I'm one of them. I was abused from a dysfunctional family that went into an abusive relationship. I was suicidal, even with God. But I find solace knowing there are others like me. Your wound is your greatest strength in the end. Imagine how great of a parent you will be. Imagine how you will unconditionally love your child and they love you. Make your own family! Don't continue the cycle. Use what you learned and break it. Turn negative into positive!

I'm similar to you user. I was beaten, neglected and physically abused in even worse ways as a kid. My brain basically rewired itself to see social interactions as bad, and it rewired itself to see other people as entities that cause me harm and hurt me. My amygdala is also enlarged without a doubt. The problem is, I still feel lonely and still desire that love and affection that I never received. That's the problem with being sentient, you still have primal impulses but you know that you're never satisfying it and probably never will, you're aware of your own mortality. My brain has dulled it's own emotions but the result is just an inability to feel pleasure while also feeling the negative emotions. They're often dulled down, but I still feel them strongly when I'm ruminating and alone. The problem is it wired itself to think being alone is what's good, that isolating is what will allow it to survive. Now I exist in a constant state of torment and torture. I want to touch people and be with them, but I can't. It feels wrong and impossible for me. I am broken. I can barely relate to other people or emotionally connect with them, I am like a retarded alien. Don't even get me started on sex, due to what has happened to me, my mind now sees sex as something that is unnatural and wrong, like I'm violating the woman and taking advantage of her, and I just feel disgusted in myself and filled with guilt. It just feels so wrong.

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I also recommend you look up videos on how to set boundaries, on how to overcome trauma, and so on. What you are missing is knowledge, it will set you free and make connections in your mind, new ones, that will free you from the old ones. The old ones will no longer be used and over time they will die and all you will know is all the good connections you made in your brain, that became habit, then personality and reality.
You have to be okay with being alone and strong in yourself first and know who you are and what you want and what you like so no one else will be able to take that from you or tell you otherwise or make you question yourself. Everything will come to you if you start from within. DO NOT DATE when you are still healing. Do not seek out these things when you are vulnerable. Accept what happened and yourself and work on trying to understand what you can change to make things better. Don't get stuck in your box. You never know what's around the corner. Your reality reflects your mind and inner world. You sabotage from fear. Don't fear, let go and the pain will stop. You will see enemies where there are none. But I suggest do not go back, always go forward, even in relationships and people you meet.
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I suggest you give yourself the love you've never received. You are in a lizard brain survival mode. Try Mushrooms, they will completely 180 it and change you in a good way and will enable you to see the world with what feels like the other part of your brain that you thought will never work again. You need to stop giving into your thoughts and master control over them and your emotions. You need to rewire everything again. Inch by inch. Activity repeated. Then habit, then it becomes personality. ALL YOU NEED IS THE WILL. THE WILL. YOU HAVE THE WHOLE INTERNET AND BILLIONS THAT HAVE FELT THE SAME. There are resources! ALL YOU NEED IS THE WILL! The knowledge. You need knowledge and you need something to snap you out of your current perspective. You need to know the reality that you think is opposite of all that you are is actually possible for you and exists. You're trapped. You need a new point of reference. You can't feel positive emotion because you are full of repressed negative emotion. You have to release that blockage in order to feel the positive. That's just how it works. You need catharsis desperately.

>After being severely abused in my childhood, now as an adult I dont want anything to do with sex or relationships or even people.
>I dont want to keep living like this but I do not enjoy sex or talking/touching people irl.

i can relate user

I know what you're saying is true, I knew this all already but I just don't know if I have the strength anymore. I know that's the crux of my depressed lizard brain, I'm aware but trapped inside of faulty hardware. I just feel so close to giving up, like there's no point anymore.

You need to throw yourself into something otherwise you vegetate. I 10000% recommend shrooms, I am not joking about this. Eventually these problems you grow sick of, the more you talk about them and the more you explain yourself the more sick of it you get. The more you notice it. The more you notice it the more you can work against it. It is a process. I have been dangerously suicidal over and over and over but I still keep crawling. Eventually time allows you to outgrow who you once were. If you can direct that then you will become whoever it is you want to be. It also helps to force yourself to go out there, every single person is a reflection of yourself and you learn more about yourself through others. It is definitely lizard brain stuck in a loop in four walls. You need to introduce something new into the loop and let your rational mind act against any irrational emotional thought. It helps to find role models, mentors, heroes, leaders, and idols. They act as a point of reference counter to yours, maybe even with similar stories. Maybe care for yourself until you find strength again. Go out in nature away from so much stimulation and feel at peace in the stillness. You have so long to live, might as well do something with it, and you can do whatever you want, you know. You need to nourish yourself. Perhaps a massage. Being in the lizard state is what drains your strength. You're struggling, it drains you and pains you, just accept it, and the pain will go away. Don't be on high alert with ruminating thoughts you emotionally masturbate. It is pointless. Love yourself enough to stop such thoughts the moment you have them. Actively resist. Try reprogramming yourself.
youtube.com/watch?v=U1Jj04dNL6g
Program yourself to be the parent/hero your inner child needed and defend yourself and try on their behalf to live life. If you want love, abundance, ect. BE IT. Be generous, be loving. Even if there's nothing to gain. It will come back to you.

>tfw sexual assault trauma makes me panic whenever I see a sexually confident woman in any situation.
>deflect any compliment regarding my appearance
>get extremely nervous around teemage girls

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Exactly the same as u

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Dont worry about it. Many people become celebs without it being on purpose. You will still be remembered even without sex and kids.

sometimes I think the worst part about me is that I wasn't beaten or raped in my childhood, if that had happened I might be able to move on from it, or at least have a sense of conclusion to one side of it, but instead it was just a million tiny things that fucked me up, it was always just a long series of events that wouldn't normally affect anyone but because that's all i had, or the only way I could take things because of how I was born, it all bounced off each other, there never seemed to be one malicious force in my life, just everything somehow accidentally being malicious, and me being the antenna for it to mindlessly toss and turn, this isn't how I feel about it now, this is how I felt about it then, like some mistake had been made that wouldn't be fixed or I was being punished for being me and that's just the way things were

just all sorts of little things, I think I may have been somewhat ignored or treated coldly as a baby because my parents had lost a child before me, and from the way my mother and father seem today I think it changed something in them, and I was sort of a problem child who couldn't regulate their emotions or keep a lid on things, then some other my age or maybe a little older kid who I think may have been abused started to fool around with me and I didn't know how to respond because what they were doing, which was harmless flashing and being touchy, because it didn't seem weird to me just pointless, and then I suddenly start to really love it, and then they leave the school, then a teacher who I really loved and admired took some photographs of me, which I think also had some major impacts that only got to me because I was so open, then that teacher leaves my life, when I then start fooling around with my classmates getting them to do things that I find arousing that they don't understand, then I'm just on bad grades and friendship roller coasters of betrayals and grudges and yelling and tears throughout school

blog cont.

>had a normal childhood
>never had a girl pursue me

Off my board, normalfaggot.

next time someone wants you, just tell them immediately that you are interested but are a scared virgin.

How about stop being a bitch

then before highschool I go through a phase of trying to open up to and fuck all my male friends cause I figured I was probably not going to see any of them again, and if I hadn't of been so eager for intimacy at the cost of trial and error with the people in my life I probably could have kept a lot of them in my life, then I fooled around with another friend when we had no idea what we were doing we just kind of started touching each other and trying oral sex, and I didn't really understand what I was doing because I wasn't yet capable of feeling sexual stimulation, and I felt extremely guilty about this afterwards and to his day because I feel like my blackhole sort of sucked him in and I caused him some kind of trauma, because he wouldn't have really known what he was doing either

so then I guy to highschool and I get a bunch more really great friends, then when a girl likes me and I really like her back and I don't know how to handle the situation and she does something that was in good heart but really fucked me up by trying to start a relationship with me in a big open way when I really just wanted a person to open up to and share the world with just the two of us, so I shut down and let her drift away never even kissing her, and I just accept that I'm too much of a fucked up narcissistic mentally stunted psycho and never try my hand at another relationship again even when it seemed like there could have been something there, I never let it get close enough to hurt me and that meant never even letting it through the front door, which reminds me of another childhood moment after being bullied by who I thought were my friends a lot because I tried to explain something to them and they couldn't understand because I was a retard, I went and sat alone with tears in my eyes and told myself I would never be so stupid as to thinking to let people into my life or letting down my guard and being myself around them, so that is probably an important memory

I know that feel user.
Look, I am terribly afraid of sex and relationships and I relate to your experience. Except in the part of having sex.
What has given me any sort of peace is accepting Jesus Christ as my savior. I used to feel like thrash undeserving of love and rejected few girls that wanted to have sex with me. Now I have hope and open to a relationship with a good girl if the Lord wants me to. I am also free from urges of fapping and things like that.
If you want to try being at peace with yourself on this topic pray to Jesus Christ accept him as your savior and give him the pain loneliness and sorrow that this experience gave you. I wish you the best user.

so highschool comes to an end and I'm absorbed in my friends and I love it because I can be completely superficial and make jokes and say irrelevant things and so can they and we just get along and talk and have adventures, even though I'm never really there, but they make me real, so it was real, and it's probably the best time of my life, but my sexuality is already fucked and I get off pretty much exclusively to fetish cartoon stuff which is a whole other tangent I'm not getting into right now, and I've become an emotional lockup who can't really display any emotions and I just fake being just fine all the time

high school ends, some friends I thought I was very close to just kind of drop me and move on, I stay in regular tough with others and go to uni and then drop out to try my own stuff

I do acid, have a complete mental change, suddenly see all of this in the open when while it was happening I was completely derealized and basically didn't exist, now suddenly feel like I have a soul and I love people and the world is perfect and we are all one and I have the ability to do good and great things and this is basically just an endless dream and every reason that I have to feel bad is just there so I can feel good and be real, and I see that I am real and I'm here right now and pretty much have a full blown mystical experience that changes my life

then I'm back here in the same old animal with the same old history and forged in time mental pathways and I no longer really feel angry or too sad over myself but I do want to move forward

I'm still the same thing attracting drama and problems, I'm still self centred and manipulative and I can't feel emotions while feeling safe around others or create meaningful relationships, and I am still deathly afraid of intimacy, and I can't change any of this, but, I can build on it, and that's what I'm gonna do

I am gonna make something good that makes people want to be good and turn all my problems into steps that led to something good, and then maybe I will be good, and I will have meaning

and even in all this I just want it all to make someone see em and see that I'm real, and make them want to be with me, and love me, so maybe I can love them, but I know I can't, so I'm going to work to this anyway, and not involve myself, so my manipulation and chaos and coldness won't exist, because when I'm away from people it never manifests, it's only a shield I put up in proximity for some reason, so when I see people as words and images, and as feelings and sounds, and anything but a character in my life, then I love them and see them as me, born in another time at another place, and maybe I can somehow swoop in and place things in those lives that I felt was missing in mine, because everyone is sort of living that confused and hurting life, without an axis to balance it, meaning and purpose and love, and recognition of the beauty of a life, maybe I can put that there, and put more empathy and intimacy in the world, even as I drive it out of my own

maybe if I can do something not just good, but great, then I can try and let someone in, but until then my pain can only strengthen my empathy, and I can understand not one person well but all people a little bit more, and I can really put some sweat and tears into something and have a reason to have something to be proud of, to put some worth to myself, even as I make the same chaotic decisions, like lie to everyone, and ghost every single one of my friends for years without a reason, they still know nothing of all this, or who I really am, and I don't know what to do now because even though I haven't existed to them for years, and sort of never really did, I still think of them as my best friends, but I think who I am deep down is too destructive to let them any closer, and solitude may let us all be happier

tl;dr I am fucked, still fucked, but it makes sense now, and I feel like I can choose a future, so long as I do it within my constraints and with everything I've got thanks for reading my blog

I'm really just typing all this out to be own own therapist and get it all legible to go over, I've never talked about a lot of this even in writing and it feels kind of good to see it in writing for myself

also if anyone has any tips on being more comfortable and less neurotic and psychotic with sexual and emotional intimacy I'd love to hear it because as enlightened as I like to think of myself I am completely stuck on that one

I feel the same way user. I was sexually abused as a kid, brutally beated choked and humilliated by my alcoholic dad and bullied by my classmates who would left me unconcious in the ground after several beatings. Today I cannot have sex, and when I get touched by someone I inmediatly remember how my body was used by other people agaisn't my will.
I like to believe there is hope for people like us and that some day I will met someone who will understand what I went through and will help me get pass it with patience, so I can finally enjoy sex intimacy and love. But every day I believe a little less and a little less, because such person with such patience and understanding seems that it can only exist in fantasy

*to be my own therapist

btw I really love you guys, I love being able to talk anonymously cause I couldn't never get stuff like this off my chest anywhere else, even if it's just typing out for me and someone else to read and nothing more, it feels very good

I spent my entire middle school hiding from my friends, ended up being so bad they would just come to my house since we were wealthy.

Now they all went off to college and I have no one to hang out with IRL. That's okay though, just room for new friends.

an original bump for original discussion

Why dont just get friends user? You dont have to have a partner of you dont want to

the need for sex has created the worst kind of people so consider yourself lucky