Updates

Been playing video games non stop for like a month and a half. Been pretty great desu.
Usually have a couple part time jobs I go to but they got shut down.
Still no careers on the horizon or even designs on any, don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life, but I guess I'm enjoying myself for the time being.

Other out-of-this-world experiences?

If you don't know, you can only wait to experience the awesome that I am, if I stick around a bit.

Doesn't sound too bad; take a time off to relax and have fun, but do think about real projects at some point. You need big goals and big tits in your life.

>My assumption is you have friends who aren't quite your speed
You are correct. I appreciate them and they've never treated me badly, but I just really don't relate to them as much as I want. That gnawing pain I call loneliness is definitely still there in spite of my interactions with them.
>Consider volunteer work, too.
It's on my bucket list. It really does sound like a good way to meet people.
>But by all means do not stay isolated. The physical damage is real.
What scares me the most is the thought that I could be too damaged from it by the time I find the opportunity to really connect with someone. The thought of becoming some far gone mess of a person really disturbs me.

>Who are you?

She's MOMMY and I LOVE HER

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I'm living together with my gf (inb4 normie ree) and while it's cool to spend 24/7 with her it has also become increasingly exhausting. She has a very demanding, almost oppressive personality so I don't really have any time to myself anymore.
any tips on how to get a bit of space for myself?

>You are correct. I appreciate them and they've never treated me badly, but I just really don't relate to them as much as I want. That gnawing pain I call loneliness is definitely still there in spite of my interactions with them.
To be blunt, you might be on a completely different intellectual league, so much so that you have little in common with them. It's nobody's fault, but keep that in mind. You will know your people when you meet them, as they will know you. It's highly possible that your IQ is far above average but that because of low self-esteem you never even considered the possibility, achievements notwithstanding.

>It really does sound like a good way to meet people.
Yes, and you'd probably love it. And the people would be gold.

>What scares me the most is the thought that I could be too damaged from it by the time I find the opportunity to really connect with someone.
You will be, but it's not irreversible. If I spend over a month alone, it takes me a few hours to adapt back to people, but it's definitely feasible. So don't worry. Just keep that in mind when you feel out of it.

Humans are resilient, so are our brains and bodies. No matter how deep the rabbit hole goes, you can always crawl back out of it. It usually only takes the right people.

>Other out-of-this-world experiences?
Not sure what you're asking.

I call myself hOPe on here, because it shows how smart I am and just how based and badass everyone finds me to be. As this legendary boyo confirms.

And also optimistic and humble.

>She has a very demanding, almost oppressive personality so I don't really have any time to myself anymore.
Red flag. Describe some examples.

>any tips on how to get a bit of space for myself?
Coming right up after the details. Though I can already say: personal boundaries, have them, enforce them, respect them.

I still hate myself, but now that I wear a mask in public I can mutter about killing myself without it being weird. It's more of a nervous tick than a plan to kill myself.

Experiences that don't seem real (and probably aren't).

Lol why are you asking, Mommy?

Are you under supervision by a therapist? You can get help for stuff like that.

Testing potential psychotic diagnosis.

yes mommy hOPe !

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Well she often kind of plans my time without asking me, be it chores, home workouts or meetings with friends, usually she just decides what we do and then she just notifies me.
She also takes my phone and reads all my messages and emails whenever she feels like it.

The problem is that I kind of let all of this happen because I was so happy to finally have a gf that I didnt object to anything and also because Im a bit into gentle femdom and enjoy her taking charge sometime

There's this website I visit where probably 25% - 50% of the content is posted by shills. Does that do anything for you?
I've got an even juicier one, but it's kind of a secret, so idk.

nice to see you again hOPe

>Time for more updates from you. Let me know how things have been.
in general my mental health has definitely gone downhill since the last time i saw you here.
the meds i got prescribed from my doc dont seem to help and right now im tapering off of them. only good side effect of them is that i lost 25kg. but probably not healthy in that a short amount of time.

i stopped smoking weed which is good i guess but makes the boredom much worse.

only good thing that happened is that a 10+year friendship which i thought i ended by being so antisocial lately got saved. not by me though.

and i still have not managed to get an appointment with a therapist. sucks.

how has life been treating you? i thought you left this place behind. (not that im complaining youre back)

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>No matter how deep the rabbit hole goes, you can always crawl back out of it. It usually only takes the right people.
Thanks. That was something I really needed to hear. And I'm glad to see you still have the motivation to make these threads, even if its on this cursed board.

No therapist. There is nothing wrong I'd never go through with it. It's just the grind of life. You said I was depressed and dissociated a while back. You also told me I hate myself for letting my life get to this point. Knowing names and mechanisms of my misery doesn't seem to make me feel better. Are therapists even open for non crazy people like myself?

>Well she often kind of plans my time without asking me, be it chores, home workouts or meetings with friends, usually she just decides what we do and then she just notifies me.
>She also takes my phone and reads all my messages and emails whenever she feels like it.
We are facing serious problems here.

If she oversteps her boundaries, you react.

>plans time without you
>"Er, when did I agree to any of this? Not that I don't want to do X and Y, but I'd just appreciate being part of the deciding committee. You can't just decide for everyone.
If ANY resistance, just flat out say what you want to do or not do and follow suit. Be super strict about this, without being mean or upset or otherwise emotionally involved. Just state your business. Any emotional stuff will become something she can grab on.

Also your phone is your private life and she has no business checking it out. If she can't trust you, she needs to rethink her relationship with you and/or trust you.

>I kind of let all of this happen
Of course you did. You cannot abuse someone this way without getting them to agree to it, but that doesn't make it your fault.

>and also because Im a bit into gentle femdom and enjoy her taking charge sometime
Separate the bedroom from the rest. That's the way I introduce myself in society:
>"I'm a very kind person. Except in bed."

>There's this website I visit where probably 25% - 50% of the content is posted by shills

Yas Forumstard detected topkek

>It absolutely is that. Humans without other humans are comparable to not having food or warmth or security. It does literal damage.
How true is this really? I've read that the degree to which someone can endure solitude exists on a spectrum from people who can't handle being alone in the slightest (maybe like a Dependent PD or something) to people who can live just fine completely devoid of emotional connection, like some people with Schizoid PD. I've also read that Schizoid PD is treated by helping the individual live a fulfilling life of solitude. It's even controversial whether it's a disorder at all isn't it? Personally I've been isolated for a very long time now and I've arguably never really experienced "intimacy", at least not after early childhood, but I'm doing fine.

Shill flowchart detected.

>There's this website I visit where probably 25% - 50% of the content is posted by shills. Does that do anything for you?
Is it Yas Forums?

Afremov died. Made me sad.

>friendship which i thought i ended by being so antisocial lately got saved.
That's great!

Life has been hell. Don't give up, things will get better, just wait it out until normal life comes back.

Until then, video related.

youtu.be/SNZWpReX3L4

>Knowing names and mechanisms of my misery doesn't seem to make me feel better. Are therapists even open for non crazy people like myself?
Therapists are for everyone. Everyone can benefit from a therapist, you don't need to be this or that. Nobody is "crazy", either. You certainly sound depressive and that's no small mental health issue.

Not OP. It mostly depends on your perception. Feeling lonely is what has a tangible effect on your physical and mental health. Simply being alone isn't bad, as long as it doesn't make you feel any soul-crushing emotions. If you're alone and truly content with it then you're fine. Some people can manage that, others cannot.

Hm okay but whenever I try to object she kind of starts saying how I never agree to anything with her and in the end it sounds like I'm a horrible boyfriend and I end up agreeing anyway. I really dont want to make her sad or upset her, she deserves better

>How true is this really?
Human brains without food or something to drink receive the same distress signals as humans who are alone. We never evolved to be alone. The things we struggled to have, we evolved to get, but nowadays food and water are easy to obtain, while the things we never went without (like company) are not always present. You feel it yourself if you spend some time alone and then get back to people.

Thankfully, because of the quarantine, everyone is getting a taste of isolation and possibly this will raise awareness in social isolation.

youtu.be/Q3WDw-DBKLA

>people who can't handle being alone in the slightest (maybe like a Dependent PD or something) to people who can live just fine completely devoid of emotional connection, like some people with Schizoid PD. I've also read that Schizoid PD is treated by helping the individual live a fulfilling life of solitude. It's even controversial whether it's a disorder at all isn't it? Personally I've been isolated for a very long time now and I've arguably never really experienced "intimacy", at least not after early childhood, but I'm doing fine.
Indeed. The big question is whether you're happy alone or whether you'd rather be with others (in ideal conditions).

What do you normally do for depressed people? Are there any non drug solutions? Apparently I'm just kinda supposed to realise the world and my life dont suck and be happy with what I have.

>Afremov died. Made me sad.
yeah i know. been contemplating of getting a signed original from him. costs 150 bucks. still not sure, could probably spend the money on something more useful. but it would be really nice...

>Some people can manage that, others cannot.
Schizoids are the only people who can "manage" that in the long run, and I wouldn't argue that this is an asset. It means these people are dysfunctional in very important ways and they don't realise it (usually). It's like not feeling pain: you get worse problems eventually. Let's not see this as "strong/weak". You're supposed to detect when something is wrong, and for humans, being alone is wrong. Again, we are organisms that evolved for the Stone Age, and no human survived alone in the Stone Age.

>how I never agree to anything
It takes two to disagree. Also, this, "I am entitled to disagree."

>I really dont want to make her sad or upset her, she deserves better
No, you deserve better. Fuck your girlfriend if she can't take care of you. What a cuntbag.

>What do you normally do for depressed people?
I check the basics:

>relationship+love+sex
>friends
>job/occupation
>family situation
>hobbies/interests
>projects/dreams

Most of the time, depressive people fail hard on that list and don't connect their state with it. They seem to think they can feel great without the basics. But no, you can't.

What kind of damage is it doing to be alone? Let's say I wake up and cry about half the time.

>I've also read that Schizoid PD is treated by helping the individual live a fulfilling life of solitude

I'm diagnosed schizoid(among other things) and it's actually kinda opposite for me. I function better with regular social contact, but I don't feel the need for it. Imagine it like the body needing water without you feeling thirst. I usually feel kinda uneasy when attending social stuff like meeting with friends or workmates and the like before going and need to force myself, but once I'm there I usually enjoy myself and feel better afterwards. I sometimes call socializing "maintenance" in my head, it's something I need to do regularly in order to function.
I also learned that in order to bettr know myself and deal with myself socia lexperience helps, you develop your personality through experiences with other people, at least it's a big part.
Maybe there's different kinds of schizoids but that's what it is like for me.

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been good, trying to make the best out of a bad situation.

I barely know anything of him. I first saw his work on dA a millions years ago and he seemed to shit out paintings by the minute.

>What kind of damage is it doing to be alone?
Your brain is highly efficient: what it doesn't use, it eventually cuts out. That's why people feel "rusty" if they don't socialise for a while. You need to reactivate the whole shebang and retrain. It may not take long, but you will feel it.

>Let's say I wake up and cry about half the time.
This isn't directly related. This isn't evidence of damage, this is evidence of a brain/body that reacts to a shit situation, and that's always a good thing. You are healthier for reacting than you would be for not reacting.

But she does take care of me. She earns money, I dont right now, and she makes it clear that she is the 'breadwinner'. So in a way its her right to decide sometimes I guess