Fellow suicide-considerers, tell me your story. Why are you suicidal?

I used to be suicidal from about age 12 until about age 15 then once again from age 18 until solidly age 23.

The first set of suicidal considerations was related to harsh and long-term bullying by everyone in my school, neighborhood, and even at times my own dad and brother. However, my family were legitimately meaning nothing by it, but the people who did it to me in school legit meant to drive me to either homicide or suicide. Turned out I went homicidal and attacked my main bully with the intent to choke the life out of him, but somebody pulled me off before I could and threats of lawsuit from my parents made the school and police drop the issue entirely. Hilariously, in high school, that bully and I became friends when we discovered we both were on the same WoW server.

The second batch was when I went off to university. I discovered that everything I had built myself upon was a complete fucking lie and that I was, in reality, an absolute joke of a person. It took me until I was nearly 24 to recover and rediscover myself as a person. Even to this day I'm still picking up the pieces and recovering from the nearly 5 year spiral. It helps now that I realize the comedy to it all and especially that I had been a joke since middle school in way worse of a way than I had thought during that spiral.

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I'm sorry, user. I hope things get better for you soon. Your life is not a tragedy, but a comedy. (Insert Joker smiling picture here.)

It honestly, truly, has been a form of wack comedy in which I've become everything I've ever insulted and hated yet became a better person for it. I legit laugh about it now because I can see the humor in it all and my previous nativity.

I do think it is comical that
>try to kill a guy who bullied you
>wait bro ur in the same WoW server as me?
>I love u bro, ignore that I tried to kill you before, we're WoW buddies now

It was more a stroke of the moment sort of thing. We were sitting in the gym waiting for our teacher and he was messing with me and I had enough. I grabbed his shirt and told him "If you say another word I'll fuck you up!" to which he just called me "Fucking faggot" and I tackled him and began choking him out.

Then a solid year later we encountered each other in high school biology and I went over to him and said "Hey, that was middle school shit. Start fresh, eh?" and he agreed so we began talking and learned we both played WoW and were on the same server. He even admitted that he deserved that choke out and it straightened him out because he had to tell his parents why he was getting 5 days suspension for getting choked out.

This sounds like a very boyish thing. Are you black?

So white I'm a fucking partial kike.

Pretty similar to me, 23 y/o, was sexually abused as a kid. Lots of anger and overall mental illness, been severely depressed and anxious most of my life, I consider suicide on a daily basis but haven't gone through with anything yet because I have a few things to live for

boyish? what? black female? or black male? what?

what on Earth are you trying to communicate to me

I cant make up my mind.
I think about running away from my life then get scared.
I have to get a job or the rents will kick me out but I cant I just fucking cant.
I cant commit to anything and its killing me inside. I want to die but even thats too hard for me. I just want to sleep

>This sounds like a very boyish thing. Are you black?
what the fuck does this mean? why do you say boyish? thats normally a thing you only say about girls? did you think they were a black female? a white female? a black male?

>shitty childhood, was starved, neglected, and violently abused
>have been high 24/7 on drugs for about five years, minus some brief involuntary breaks
>only relationships I have ever had are with women online, who nearly always ghost me at some point after I've fallen in love with them
>have had just about zero friends
>not enough money or motivation to finish my degree, so I dropped out
>have $15,000 sitting in the bank from working shitty job, but have no desire for anything (aside from thinking about paying someone to talk to me)
>being kicked out of the house by grandparents because they think I'll give them the virus and kill them

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There's some things I need to see through to their conclusion but after that there's just nothing for me. No chance of escaping any of this.

Black Male. I say boyish because, that sounds like just such a typical boy thing to do, lol. When girls fight, it's eternal war, no making up or getting over it. Boys seem to be able to try killing each other one week and being bros the next. So it's boyish, a largely Male exclusive thing.

so youre a female. good to know

OP here. I'm going to omit the worst parts.
I was a borderline child prodigy, doing things that were over 5 grade levels ahead of me, and often well. I got a near-perfect score on the SAT math when I was 12. Genuinely not even LARPing. I thought I was set for life. I had plenty of friends.
However, when I was 10 or something, I legitimately considered suicide for the first time. I remember even getting out the knife out of the drawer and looked at it for a minute. The signs were there already. I'm pretty sure the reason for those thoughts had to do with my parents' impossible expectations of me, which I just couldn't meet. Part of the reason I am suicidal now.
High school is when things started to go bad. My grades and extracurriculars weren't the greatest, but my SAT score was still quite good, even without studying for it. But I did notice I had fewer friends than before. Less female attention also, due to the fact that I stopped growing at a very young age.
I got into a fairly good college, but everything went to a nosedive after there. I felt like i didn't even belong there and only got in because of my ethnicity. My first semester was good until I failed one of my finals. After that I've begun failing most of my classes. So yeah, my chances of getting into any kind of graduate school are already shot.

(PART 1)

(PART 2)
My social life is now completely nonexistent. I have zero friends. I've had this growing voice disorder that makes it hard to want to speak, which definitely contributes.
I've pretty much already failed in life. My parents, as nice as they are sometimes, expected far more than I could give, probably ever since I purportedly started talking at 8 months. I don't know what they're going to do with me. They never stop insulting me and badmouthing me to everyone. Pretty much everyone at college and in my family thinks that I'm either sullen (because I'm quiet if that makes any sense), lazy, or a loser.
Nothing makes me happy anymore. Video games and stuff are just a temporary escape, when I leave my room I have to confront the reality that I literally might be the biggest disappointment in human history.
How the fuck did I go from being a math prodigy and the popular kid in elementary to a developing hikikomori who's never had a job? That thought will haunt me for the rest of my life, if I choose to live it.

not successful in life.

Life is unpleasant and changing that is incredibly difficult and unlikely to be successful. If I weigh up suicide in a similar way to how I would weigh up a major financial decision, it quickly becomes apparent that living is a silly decision

But I'm probably not going to kill myself because the biological desire to live is stronger than I am.

>schizophrenic
>no real hope for my life from here on out
>will probably end up homeless or killing myself because of my condition
I'm basically dead already.

im not suicidal but i realize for the past 3-4 years, i havent made a new connection, learned a new skill, made any effort on getting/keeping a bod.

no one is interested in what i am able to offer to others.

im almost suicidal but my new found interest for hard drugs is keeping me entertained and employed. no addicted but i like playing with these substances and that i can do with them.

if anything right now, i just wish i could be social with my drug hobby. i desperately want to meet knew people,, who arent scummy.
im smart enough to know, not all drug users are scummy.

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I know its a hard concept for some people to get but I genuinely feel that my life is suffering. 2020 is the year Ill kill myself if I feel like I do now.

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