Describe your depression, user

>every day is the same
>bored
>unmotivated
>sleep all day
>drink
>drink
>drink

>Had since I was a little kid
>Remember wanting to throw myself in front of cars as a toddler
>Mom said she'd see me rocking back and forth against the wall during daycare with my hands around my head and did nothing about it
>Constantly remember thinking about blackness, what was it like before I was born?
>Envying people around me who were dying
>Mom and Dad constantly fought, thought they'd be happy if I was never born bc their marriage was 6 years when they had me
>Got bullied and dunked in toilets during pre-school/daycare by olders
>Teachers saw and did nothing, usually blamed me for being bratty, sometimes laughed
>School to school growing up
>Same treatment as above minus a few okay people who were still unreliable
>Them and parents were Christian, made me really lose hope for people
>Generally learned not to trust others
>Thought I could find a partner who I could trust and no one else
>Worse than the friends, teachers, and family
>First dumped me in the hospital, second ghosted for a girl just like me, third dateraped me
>All acted sweet in the beginning
>Would rope, but too numb to care

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I have been obsessed with her for over 20 years. It ended pretty bad. But I never stopped thinking about her. I just want her to forgive me.

Were you in a relationship? What happened that made her upset with you? Why was she so special?

On most days I doubt it exists, on others I imagine being able to sympathise with depressed people.

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Travis deserved better

??
Taxi Driver is kind of a happy ending for Travis though...

>be me
>have gf
>be 1 class away from finishing AS degree
>have money
>have house to live in
>not dead yet
>...
>wake up every morning, first thing i do is stare at the ceiling for 20 minutes
>wonder what the fuck i'm doing
>wonder why i'm still alive
>i still feel nothing
>not happiness or sadness
>just emptiness
>emptiness with sporadic bouts of
UNRELENTING EXPLOSIVE FUCKING ANGER THAT I CAN'T FUCKING CONTROL JESUS FUCKING CHRIST GOD DAMN
>after explosion, feel even emptier inside
>feel horrible for yelling at whichever family member or friend was closest during explosion
>eat pocky sticks or drink hot tea to ty and calm down
>just fizzle back into hollow emptiness
>do little to nothing productive for hours
>curl up in bed
>can't sleep, need to coom
>scroll through /gif/ and /h/ to try and fap
>can't maintain an erection because ADHD and emptiness begin to sink in again
>either a tiny dribble of coom or give up and crawl back into bed
>sleep for 4-5 hours
>wake up
>repeat

i don't think it gets better, honestly

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We where never in a relationship. She was sexually abused and I thought I could save her.

misanthropy is the only ethical choice.
The cold war failed, in the best timeline we were all obliterated by nuclear weapons.

honestly user I feel this. I might get fired because I'm so tired that I cant work from home though, so I'm going back to being a poorfag.

comes and goes

the prospect of declining health kind of makes me appreciate being alive and mostly healthy at the moment though

getting older while being depressed is going to suck so much more

They said that might've not happened at all. Travis could've died a virgin while that goofy looking fag with the afro is banging the blonde lady

please keep working user, you need the money

drink some hot black or green tea for energy

think about the money you can make now, save up a few chunks at a time in a reserve account, and then buy a condo or go on a vacation or do something cool you really want to do

don't give up user

I dont know when it began and if just doesnt seem to end. With this much cortisol in me I should be dead by time I'm 40.

Can't get away from it. It penetrates deep and continuously violates me. It ranges from uncomfortable mania to bleak and utter hopelessness. I never feel safe. I am constantly terrified. I can't control anything anymore, let alone my own mind.

>Sleep a lot but have no energy
>Want to be as far away from the spotlight as possible
>suicidal idealations
>unstructured thoughts, brain fog, memory loss

I have enough money that I can get by for a few months unemployed, my work is super cool but I cant do it from home. If I can go to the office I'm super healthy and productive but at home I just want to off myself.

besides I live in a socialist country so I can just ride on those state-bux and pay them back with taxes once I'm employed again

thank u for the kind words user

I haven't been the same since my little brother passed away and can't connect with anyone because nobody else knows what it's like even if they lost someone, it's not the same circumstance. Then everyone I open up to irl tells me to "get over it" and "move on" and you can't just flip a switch and do that. They don't know shit and it makes me fucking cry from rage when someone tells me that. Thank you for reading my blogpost.

wish i knew you irl
we could play vidya together (need a healer lol)
stay in there and work for a better self and in turn a better life

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people are assholes and only generally care about themselves and just want pleasure, talking about your brother or anything sad just brings down the mood and they won't like you, but i hope your brother rest in peace, sorry man thats how people are.

only living not to disappoint or dishonor my mother