>Luke did I ever tell you about the alien sith lord Darth Maul?
>We met on Naboo when your father was just a kid
>He murdered my master but I managed to shank him at the last second with my master's lightsaber
>But he just HAD to survive it and so he and his brother spent years pestering me
>Eventually I went into hiding on Tatooine and he tracked me down here
>He tried to kill me but I shanked him right in the very spot where your standing
>And he was a good friend
Luke did I ever tell you about the alien sith lord Darth Maul?
Jaxson Evans
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Brandon Murphy
Obi did I ever tell you about R2D2? you fought in the clone wars along side of him but for some reason your old ass can't remember him.
Nathan Garcia
he cared more about R4 than R2, that's why
Jeremiah Morgan
Anthony Ramirez
Judging from the tone of your speech, you are hiding something big like he also killed your most loved one...
Jayden Moore
Shut the fuck up Luke, why can't you be a good friend like Darth Maul was?
Jace Foster
How many blue and white astromech droids do you think there are in the galaxy?
Evan Martin
>Luke, did I ever tell you about the alien witch Asajj Ventress?
>She's had the tightest body and the most voluptuous breasts in the galaxy
>You should've seen it Luke
>There were times where she would try to kill me and your father and times where we would go and fuck for hours on end
>Sometimes we even let Ahsoka join in
>It was Heavenly Luke
>Then Count Dooku just HAD to go and ruin it all by denouncing her and forcing her into hiding
>She eventually came back after a while and your father shanked her
>And she was a good friend
Connor Barnes
lol
Christian Hill
Luke, did I ever tell you about the adventures I had whilst you were naught but a growing boy, around my late forties? I haven't? Well then, you must subscribe to Disney+ at once! It will be the only way to know.
Christian Howard
>subscribe to Disney+
Caleb Murphy
if every person who thinks fingerless gloves are cool would just die right now the world would be a better place
Julian Sullivan
>Obi-Wan, did I ever tell you that I used to masturbate to Padme with your pillow? Also, fuck you for leaving me to die, you fucking cunt. I am glad Maul killed your side bitch Satine.
Carter Thomas
>how many
There R2.
Liam Richardson
>Luke, did I ever tell you I have a degenerative aging disease?
>That's why I look elderly despite only being in my early 50s
Jordan Johnson
Kek
Christopher Torres
Based
Kevin Diaz
>To tell you the truth Luke your father was a dick. Always defying orders, always putting our lives in danger. Hell he even tried to have sex with his apprentice a few times. But when he got caught he acted like we were crazy. I would have been fine, had he not done the same thing with your mom. That’s right, he got married behind the Jedi council’s back, and thought we were stupid enough to not notice it. Every time I would try to bring it up he would call me a “fag” and throw a tantrum. Then he started going crazy after a few bad dreams, killed Dooku—which I’m pretty sure is a war crime—killed Mace Windu, and even some fucking kids. When his wife and I try to talk him down, he goes crazy and chokes her out, like a fuckin lunatic. I kept trying to talk to him but he started babbling slogans at me.
>So I let him have it. 13 years of pent up rage and frustration, 13 years of dealing with backtalk from a kid you rescued from slavery. I went all out. I told him it was the high ground, but from a certain point of view that was bullshit. I just wanted to cut his limbs and watch him writhe in pain, to suffer like I suffered while dealing with his bullshit for 13 years. I even told him I loved him like a brother to add salt to his burning wounds.
>Go on, ask me if I regret it. I don’t.
>Anyway, after that I left, and he became a cyborg mass murderer. He was a piece of shit then, and a piece of shit now.
>And he was a good friend.
Aaron Sanders
>Oh, you're sad because you can’t leave to pick up your little power converters? Luke, when I was your age, I left school to bullseye Sandpeople from an LAAT transport in the middle of thr fuckin desert. I fried so many Tuskens they named a brand of kebab after me. Don't tell me you have it hard because you're a pathetic kissless virgin who wants his little tools to feel strong. You can act sad when you have to leave behind the lady-boy you fell in love with and made passionate steamy love to in a collapsing desert hut, just like I did. You think I felt good about firebombing his village, killing the men, women, and children, and watching our fuck-hut burn to the ground? We were going to build our lives together there, Peter! You know what? Fuck you. Get the fuck out of my farm
Andrew Butler
>She eventually came back after a while and your father shanked her
did that actually happened?
Oliver Ortiz
top cock
Daniel Brown
>Hold the fuck up
Did they actually re-retcon her fate again? I thought she died in one of the supplementary novels.
Jacob Wilson
Dooku killed her in new canon
Gabriel Reed
> Luke did I ever tell you about that time I faked my own death and disguised myself to get into a coruscant jail? I got shot by a sniper and your father and his apprentice saw me die.
> Of course it was all a ploy, but your father didn't know that. He want absolutely batshit, tried to kill a fair few people searching for who had killed me.
> At one point he literally tried to kill me as revenge for killing myself. It was fucking nuts.
> I teamed up with two bounty hunters and did a death trap maze for bounty hunters that got most of the bounty hunters killed. Were it not for myself and Cad Bane being very good shots, I would have died and never been able to thwart the attempted kidnapping of Chancellor Palpatine
> Of course Chancellor Palpatine was actually Darth Sideous, so the whole plot was pretty much pointless from the start and if we had let it happen, we probably wouldn't be in the situation we are now.
> Anyway the point is your dad's a cunt, but he was a good friend.
Henry Sanchez
Dangerously based
Carson Mitchell
massive kek
Jaxon Hernandez
>Ah yes, your father. He was a powerful Jedi and one of the greatest pilots in the galaxy. He was poor with children, unfortunately. He killed them by the dozens when he slaughtered the sand peop- I mean, People of Sand- to rescue his mother. It was implied that she had actually been gangraped to the point of death, which explains why he butchered countless innocents- cutting them down with his elegant weapon for a more civilized age one by one until the last desert nomad child died in a pool of his own blood. Later, he would go on to kill Jedi children as well. Actually, we call them younglings, but let’s not beat around the bush- He murdered every child in the temple without a second thought. I’m surprised he didn’t abort you with his lightsaber just for the hell of it! Anyway I hope you know that even if he were to, let’s say, kill one really bad guy and then say “I’m sorry” he would still have the blood of countless children on his hands and would therefore be utterly irredeemable. Your father was a bastard with a withered black heart, Luke. And he was a good friend.
Matthew Evans
>This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age... That's a funny story actually, did I tell you Luke it was me who brought an end to the civilized age? I was so adamant on teaching my padawan because my dead friend told me so that I ignored my better judgement. I threatened my student with expeling from the Jedi Order for some dumb shit but I didn't do it when he commited crimes against humanity such as slaughtering a whole village of sand people. I mean he had personal grievances with some of them but targeted a whole village of them solely on basis of their ethnicity. It was an act of genocide, basically. But I gave him a second chance. Then he broke the Geneva convention by executing an elderly political idealist begging for mercy (who was our prisoner of war at the time) because a corrupt politician told him so. How he did it? By gruesomly beheading him with two lightsabres of course... truly elegant weapon for a more civilized age... Where were I? Of course, that was a high time for, if not a martial court, at least for expeling a good friend from the order. But I chose to do nothing instead so the good friend and said corupt politician staged a coup, organised a stalinist purge of the jedi order, murdered defenceless toddlers and brought an end to the republic, democracy and a more civilized age. This all happened because I chose to 'mentor' him into a maniac babbling about his 'galactic empire' despite my better judgement and advice of a trully great jedi master, whom I basically guilted with a death of my own master. Truly splendid job! I fucked up so badly that I had to go into hiding. I didn't feel like changing my jedi robes though, they are really comfy, so I chose planet to match my outfit. They are good clothes.
Leo Taylor
>Peter
Justin Cruz
>People of Sand
>he broke the Geneva convention
>By gruesomly beheading him
He was a good friend?
Jaxon Parker
>Uncle obiwan is a wise man.
Anthony Martinez
Heh
Robert Miller
I knew where the pasta was from, I was just sad that user hadn't proof-read his edit.