Dropping some classic Russian anecdotes(jokes)

A column of cars goes along the highway, they go far and periodically stop to refuel. Only one rusty penny( very old soviet car) doesn't fill up.
Then one of the drivers couldn't stand it and came up to the car and asked:
- "Guys, we have already passed 5000 kilometers, and you have never refueled, I thought maybe you have a big tank or the car does not eat much fuel, but for this distance, no tank is enough!"
From the car comes out two surprised students:
"Hmm, really interesting."

What is wrong with Russians?

very funny jokes mister, thank you

A man was working in the morgue, and then he got a girl. Dead, but very beautiful. He thought for a long time, decided- "fuck her, fuck, and there it will be seen". He fucked her, finished the autopsy, sewed it up, gave it away for burial. The day after her funeral, he has a dream, and in it this girl tells him - " Dig me up, fuck, after that you will be very lucky." He woke up in a cold sweat, and as a result, did not sleep all night. And so 2 weeks. On the third week, he took a shovel, went to the cemetery, dug it up, fucked, buried her. And on the way home, I found 50 rubles($1 about)

Guy calls his girlfriend - "sweetie, come at my place, nobody's home". She comes and there's nobody.

Kek nice keep em coming

Two men go into a bar.
The first man says, "I would like to have some water".
The second man says, "I want some H2O too".
The second man dies.

2 guys are walking down the street and 1 of the 2 nearly stepped in a huge dog shit. The 2nd guy stop, pick up the shit with his hands and says to the other "Wow! Take a look at what you were about to step on bro!"

Kolobok hanged himself

Russians are truely our brothers.
Here's a german one.

Two hunters meet. Both dead.

These are good

A new doctor comes to town. Getting examined by him is 1000 bucks but if he can't cure your illness he gives 5000 bucks back. A guy think it is easy money and goes to see the doctor. The guy tells the doctor he can't taste things. The doctor tells the nurse to bring the box number 8, opens the box, feeds the thing to the man with a spoon. The man yells: This is shit! The doctor says: See you can taste now.
The man thinks more carefully this time and goes back to see the doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong. The guy says he can't remember things. The doctor asks the nurse the bring the box number 8 again but the guy says: the shit box again? The doctor: See you can remember. The guy leaves with anger and tears in his eyes.
Few months later the guy comes back and says that he is impotent. When the doctor turns to the nurse and tell her to bring the box, the guy gets mad and yells: Fuck the box fuck you! and the doctor says: See you can fuck now.

The hedgehog learned how to breathe trough its asshole. It sat on a tree stump and suffocated.

What's the difference between santa claus and a jew?
The direction in the chimney.

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A man is walking through the city, and an old man runs up to him, gives him a piece of paper and says:
"Don't read it, but bring it home and let your wife read it!"
The man listened to the advice, came home and gave a note to his wife. She read it and said:
- "Gather the stuff and get the fuck out, so that my eyes will never see you! Don't read the note, or you're fucked!"
The guy packed his bags, goes down the street. Sad. Then a police stop him:
— Show documents. What is that? Where did you get the bags?
"Well," the guy said:
— "Look, I'm walking through Moscow, an old man came up to me, showed a note, said don't read it yourself, but let my wife read it, I came home, gave the note to my wife, she read it and kicked me out of the house with my stuff!"
Police officer:
"Give me your note…"
Read it and says:
- "Hmm, comrade… Let's go to the police stantion."
The man was imprisoned for a week, and was called to court.
The judge asks:
— "How did you come to such life? You are decent-looking man"
The man answers:
— "So, your honor, are in the city, some man sticks his note, he says don't read, and give my wife, so I came home, I did not read, and gave my wife to read, she read, and then kicked me out with things. Well, I'm walking on the street with my things, and then a police officer comes up, also gave him a note to read, then I waited for the court."
"Well" the judge says:
— "Let's read your note."
Guy:
— "No, well, I'm afraid to read it myself, you'd better read it, because so much has already happened."
Well, the judge read it, court recess, meetings and all that. He goes out and says:
"The sentence is execute punishment."
Dead man, went to heaven:
—" Welcome, how did you get here?"

An old rich man marries a young woman. After a while they have problems because the woman cannnot orgasm. The couple goes to see a doctor. Doctor tells them to find a young strong man and make him spin a towel while they have sex. They do that but the same problem continues. The doctor says let the young man have sex with the wife and the husband spin the towel. The couple tries that too. This time it works. The wife is making loud noises and clearly orgasming. The husband laughs and says: See young man, that is how you spin the towel.

The man drives through the forest and a man in red clothes stops the car: I'm the red faggot of the forest give me something to eat. The driver is surprised but gives him something to eat anyway then continues driving. After a while a man in yellow clothes stops the car and says: I'm the yellow faggot of the forest give me something to drink. The driver gets angry but still gives him something to drink. After going few more kilometres he sees a man in blue signing him to stop. He stops, opens the window and yells angrily: What are you asking for, blue faggot of the forest? The man in blue replies: Drivers licence and registration.

Are you ready? I don't hear you lads.

Are you really ready to hear the real joke?

Well

*AHEM*
A ball hanged itself

lol

A hedgehog forgot how to breathe and suffocated to death.

A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says:
- "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian Hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets."
The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks:
- "So, what's it like out there?"
- "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?"
- "Ah, it feels just like home – either the shit doesn't get delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"

The commander is angry to his soldiers and orders them to do 10 push up then starts counting 1,2,3... He then keeps saying 9 but doesn't say 10.

Very amused with the situation the commander tells his soldiers: I know you are cursing me but my uniform is curseproof. One of the soldiers from back asks: Does your mother also wear a uniform?

And old man walks past a brothel and a woman working there calls him in.
The man says, "ahh, I am not sure if I can do this anymore, you know, my age".
The woman responds, "don`t worry, I know a few tricks and will work some magic".
The man follows here into a room and he goes for five rounds without any pause.
The woman, gasping for air says, "wow, for someone saying he doesn`t know if he can do this anymore you have quite some stamina".
The old man responds, "I have never said I have problems with that. I have problems paying you, because my retirement money is so low".

An autopsy of a dead patient revealed that cause of death was an autopsy.

way too many fucking layers
is every russian dostoyevsky or something

A priest and a rabbi are walking through a park when the priest spots a little kid. The priest says to the rabbi, "hey, let's go fuck that kid!"

To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

don't get this one

I had a pic/gif for this but it has become lost to me

The guy sees a burqa girl in a bus. Even though she is in burqa it is obvious she has a hot body. The guy sits near her and tries to talk to her. The girl doesn't answer and gets off the bus few stops later. When the guy is about to get off to follow her, the driver of the bus says you can't fuck her like that. She goes to graveyard every night to pray for his dead father's soul. Wear a white sheet and tell her you are an angel. This way you can fuck her.

The guy goes to the graveyard that night with white sheet on him. When he sees the girl praying, the guy gets closer and says he is an angel and they should have sex. The girl says she wants to keep her virginity but they can do it from behind. The guy starts fucking her in the ass. In the middle of sex the guy removes the sheet and yells: Surprise! I'm guy from the bus. The girl removes the shirt and yells: Surprise! I'm the driver of the bus.

you're making this up aren't you

Father fucking his son and saying:
- see how sad that mom died.

good fucking lord why
THIS is a joke, finally

He doesn't.
Here is the original in russian:

Идyт кaк-тo двa мopякa пo бepeгy, и вдpyг oдин из них пoвopaчивaeтcя к дpyгoмy и гoвopит:
– A я нe мopяк.

Lol

I don't get it

Padişah (king,sultan,khan) makes a new law: if you miss friday praying 3 times in a row you get sentenced to death and when you get a death sentence they give you 3 wishes.

Soldiers catch a man who miss friday praying 3 times in a row and bring him to the court of padişah. The court ask the man what is his first wish. He says he want to fuck grand vizier's (king's right hand) wife. Vizier wants to object but padişah laughs and says a law is a law. The man fucks vizier's wife. The court ask his second wish. He says he want to fuck padişah's wife. Padişah gets angry but vizier says "a law is a law" with a smirk on his face. So the man fuck padişah's wife too.

Finally the court ask the man what is his final wish. The man's eyes are now moving between padişah and grand vizier. Vizier starts to sweat cold and says: I think I saw this guy in the mosque.
Padişah: You "think"! He was on my left.

these are not god damned russian jokes
get them OUTTA here

A lecturer visits the mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great communism is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "Why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not a psycho, I just work here."

One day, Stavros (a Greek) tells his wife that he is going to collect the olives they have at their village home.

"I'll be back in 3 days", he tells her.

Two days later he returns home, badly beaten and with torn clothes.

"What happened?!", his wife asks.

"I asked a couple of Turks to help me collect the olives, but instead they beat me up, stripped me naked and fucked me in the arse, for 3 days in a row."

"But it's only been two days", his wife replies.

"I know, I'm going back tomorrow as well."

Why did you fuck her?
She was laying there in front of me, naked. What else should I have done?
The autopsy!
Don`t tell me how to do my job!
You are the worst veterinarian in the world.

We are white but different.

Lol

— "I was walking through the city, I didn't touch anyone! And old man ran up, gave me a note, don't read it yourself, but give it to my wife, she read it and threw me out! Then the police officer read it, he sued me, and the judge also read it and sentenced me to be shot.
"Let me read it."
Well, the man was sent to hell.
There the devil:
—"Well, man, for what sins did they send you straight from heaven to me?"
— "Because of the note…"
"Note? tell me."
— "Well, I was walking around the city, I didn't touch anyone! And old man ran up, gave me a note, don't read it myself, but give it to my wife, and she read it and threw me out! Then the police officer read it, he sued me, and the judge also read it and sentenced me to be shot. Got to heaven, also took read the note and sent me to you, did not even say anything!"
—" You didn't read the note yourself?"
-" No, I haven't read it: I'm afraid."
—" Let me read it."
Well, the devil read it, and says this:
-" Listen, well, I'm the progenitor of evil, but you… In General, even in hell you do not belong."
And then he threw the man into some strange place, like the ocean floor: emptiness, only water and nothing, only six men sitting on chairs in a circle sad and silent. He goes over to them and sits down next to them. They ask calmly:
—" How did you get here?"
— " imagine, men, I went through the city, I didn't not touch anyone! An old man ran up, gave me a note, didn't read it myself, but give it to my wife, and she read it and threw me out! Then the police officer read it, he sued me, and the judge also read it and sentenced me to be shot. I went to heaven, I was thrown out of heaven to hell, and in hell the devil says I don't even belong there, so here I am.
— "So it's all about the note?"
"Well, Yes."
— "Well, since you're here, let's at least read it, there's nowhere else to go."
"Here, I'm afraid to read it myself"
"Fuck, it's all wet, can't read it"

Temel (a male name mostly used in black sea region) goes to Germany to work and leaves his family behind. After a while he gets a letter from his village. The letter says your wife is dead, quick come back for funeral.
He goes back to his village. Villagers are waiting for him in front of his house. He asks where is my wife. They say she is inside. Temel goes inside and sees her wife lying on bed eyes closed, wants to kiss her one last time but she opens her eyes and says she lied to see Temel. They have sex right there.
When they go out villagers ask in shock what is happening and Temel says I fucked her and she came back to life.
Temel leaves for Germany again. After some time he gets another letter. This time his father is dead. He thinks this also can't be a joke and gets on the road.
When he makes it to his village he sees villagers are waiting in front of his house again with sad faces. He passes through them to enter his house. When he is about to enter the house one of the villagers say: Don't waste your time Temel, we have been fucking him since the last week he didn't came back to life.

Oh fugg, I thought this was a general joke thread

lmao its absolutely senseless

Ha, I'm not sure I get the deeper meaning but I like the imagery

This is a Frenchman, a Spaniard and an Italian who go to heaven.
When they arrive, Saint Peter says: - I'm sorry but there's only room for one of you and the best way to know who deserves it, is my intelligence.
To which the French, Spanish and Italian answered: good for us
After a while, San Pedro says: Okay, I'll try it, you'll ask me each one thing and if I do not know you can pass. The first was the French: how much does the Eifel tower measure? And Peter says: it measures 19,259 meters.
Then a tunnel opens and the Frenchman falls into hell. The second was the Italian: how tall is the tower of Pisa?
And Peter says: it measures 34,665 meters. Then a tunnel opens and the Italian falls into hell. The last one was Spanish. Saint Peter said to him: come now, you are the last one, hurry that they wait for you there below.
The Spaniard made a hole in the ground, and began to shit. Later he asks Peter: from what hole did it come out?
And Peter answered: through the hole in the ground. And the Spanish answers : no, it came out of the hole in the ass.
And he went to heaven. ..

Lol my balls are hanging too

How do they recruit military in russia ? they get all the recruits and put them in a line. Then they tell them if you can read go to the right side of the room and if you can't go to the left. Then they pick all the ones that stayed in the line at the middle to be soldiers.

the russians, who have suffered more than any other people on the planet, have had plenty of wit, will, and time to craft the greatest literary works, including jokes

kek

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says: “I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin asks, “Why blue?” Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one."

I'm too much of a brainlet to understand half of these. Here's a joke my dad likes
The other day the doctor tells me that I'm going to have to stop masturbating. I say, "why's that doc?" "Because I'm trying to examine you"

The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka. The mission was long-term infiltration of the Kremlin. The spy was dropped in a remote village where he approached a man and said, in perfect Russian, "Hello comrade, can you please tell me which direction is Moscow?" The man looked at him, and walked inside. Within minutes, the KGB was swarming the village and arresting the spy. While being interrogated, the KGB officials said "Quit the act, we know you are an American spy." The spy was baffled they (especially the man in the village) were able to tell so quickly, but tried to keep up the act for as long as he could. When he finally cracked, he said "Alright, alright, I'm a spy. I will tell you whatever you want, but please just tell me how you knew I was a spy because I devoted my whole life to perfecting my Soviet character." The official said "You're black."

Lmao

So what's the double meaning behind that one for example? There is a double meaning or some sort of word play, right?

In a Russian labor camp:

-How long did you get?
-15 years
-For what?
-For nothing!
-Impossible, for nothing they give 10 years!

Nice

A beardless cornet approaches the Lieutenant and says:
- "You have such success with women... But they don't pay any attention to me... How are you with them there, Lieutenant?"
"It's very simple, cornet. You go up to the lady and say: Madame Mademoiselle), may I fuck you? "
-" But, Lieutenant, you can get a slap in the face!"
"You're right. I should reconsider my methods."

It's less of a joke and more of a koan

What's the difference between gorbachev and dubcek, nothing but gorbachev doesn't know it yet.

>A man bought a hat and it fit him.
i don't get it
?

ahahaha

No. There's neither double meaning, nor word play.
It's just hilarious.

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what is this?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a dick, Marivanna!" The teacher bursts into tears and runs out. / Shortly, the principal rushes in: "All right, what did you do now? Which one of you brought Maria Ivanovna to tears? And who the hell drew that dick on the blackboard?"

Son just got his ear pierced and is going home.
His dad opens the door and sees he got the ear pierced
Then, dad tells him:
"You know, son. Throughout history it was either pirates or faggots who wore earrings"
"You better pray for a frigate to be parked outside when I check it next time"

"I flunked my history exam, Petka. They asked me who Caesar was, and I said he's a stallion from our 7th cavalry squadron." "It's all my fault, Vasily ! While you were away, I reassigned him to the 6th!"

Russian anecdotes are so fucking funny i dont care what others think

A man comes to a Shepherd and says:
"How much fur do your sheep produce?"
"White or black?"
"White"
"about 10kg."
"And black? "
"about 10kg, either"
"How much do their meat weigh?"
"Black or white?"
"Black"
"50 kg"
"And white?"
"50 kg, too"
"Listen, pal. Why are you always asking black or white?"
"Whites are mine"
"And blacks?"
"Blacks are mine, too"

A bunch of animals including the Cock are in prison bragging about why they were sent there. The Cock doesn't take part in this. Someone asks: "And what are you in for?" / "I am not talking to you, criminals. I am a political prisoner!" "How come?" / " pecked a Young Pioneer in the arse!"

Major fire happens, a man calls KGB headquarters, they say they can't do anything as the KGB headquarters burned down, man calls again, same response, he called a third time and telephone operator recognizes his voice, asks why do you keep calling? we said the KGB headquarters burned down, he says i know i just like to hear it.

oh stop memeing, koreans have had it way worse and aren't nearly as thoughtful.

It can't be explained. You either understand, or never get it

these are so stupid lol
i imagine that smug frog saying all of them

russians have had a decentralized thriving meme culture since the soviet union, in the form of so-called "anecdotes". its only natural that they are now touching stratospheric levels and meta and post and iro and all the other satanic shit. one could think that we are naturally this cynical but i personally blame commies

Nice